When At The Crossroads
When you're plodding along, often times at full speed ahead, it is inevitable that you lose sight of everything in the peripheral. Everything may seem to be going right or everything may seem to be going wrong. In some cases and certainly in my own, everything may very well look the same. Each step brings the same stretch of of monotony. Imagine it, if you will, as you were walking down one of the many straight and distraction free roads in Kansas. Hundreds of miles of nothing but featureless landscape and empty concrete.
Eventually; however, you have to get somewhere and sticking with the metaphor above, that will usually be a crossroads. Do you just continue straight ahead with no thought? Do you quickly make a decision and go where the roads may take you? Or, do you sit down, have a breather and ponder what has led you here, to this grave stretch of monotony.
Clearly, nobody likes to feel they've lost their way or to feel they've gone wrong somewhere, but in my own case I feel that I have.
After much thought, I realise that this result has happened because of other people, through no fault of their own, offering their input on what I should be doing. It is I that have taken on all those advices and criticisms without flinching. It is my fault that I haven't fully considered whether each piece fits my puzzle or not. So, in taking on everything that's come to me, I became lost, muddled and clouded in judgement, following a path set out by the whims of others.
That's no good.
In doing so, I've lost sight of my own goals; of which I don't even remember if I had any. Instead, just putting one foot in front of the other in order to reach a destination that I'm truly unaware of whether or not it exists. Walking to my own grave if you will.
Now if you've read this far, I am immensely sorry that this is such a personal post; however, it is not a negative one, I promise that at least if you'll only bear with me.
So here I sit, at an intersection and I've been here for quite some time.
Do I ignore the consequences, pick myself up and keep going? Do I say "Screw it" and take a path unknown? Or do I sit here longer, pull out an atlas and plan my own journey; thorough and concise.
Two options are easy. The third, in theory, should be just as easy, yet I find it the most frightening and intimidating of the lot.
However, I am quite exhausted of this free roaming existence with no end result in sight. No goals and no purpose. In that statement alone, I believe I have my answer.
So here it is; a mandate to myself.
Don't do it to yourself anymore. I will plot my own course through this journey. I will take steps as quickly or slowly as each leg requires. But most of all, after each step, I will quantify the results and if that particular facet of the journey does not lead me closer to a goal, then it shall not be repeated.
Most of all, I will strive to enjoy and learn from every single moment on the way.
I am still at the crossroads, but now I'm sat here diligently planning my next move.
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